Charlie, aka Charles, aka Carlos. Run free.

I have been intending to blog. After Dad died, I felt a tremendous urge to write. There seemed to be a message for me in his death and funeral. I learned so much about the man that I called "Dad", and he taught me so much, even in his death. However, with his death came a profound emptiness. My work is demanding, and I could not stop. As a practice, we have been over-extended, and there was no energy for writing at the end of the day.

I did not want my first post back to be a sad one. But it is.
Charlie came into my life 9 years ago. Darby, my first whippet, had been more than I could have imagined, but as I was going to be busier with training, I wanted Darby to have a companion. Charlie was advertised as available on a whippet list. He was a hoped for show dog, but the "man bits" just didn't go to the right place. He was advertised as cat friendly (and the poor dog didn't know what to make of the "hissing fuzzy" that was my cat, Peyton, when he arrived). He was 11 months old when I got him. He and Darby had been born exactly a month apart, with Charlie being the junior dog.

Oh...the first 6 weeks I was not certain that it would work. He and Darby fought. The fights were bad, blood drawing disagreements. I thought Charlie might need to be returned. I received advice from lots of people. The thing that helped...they both loved to walk, so walk we did. Now, I realize that Charlie must have been petrified. He had grown up in the country and didn't understand the city smells. Initially, he would slam against me every time a car passed. I knew that our relationship was going to work out the day I walked into the kitchen. One of the dogs had pulled an entire loaf of bread off the counter. They had shared it. Silently. I, the silly human, was not alerted to their jack pot. Darby and Charlie were never great buddies. They didn't lie with each other the way I had envisioned. However, I know Darby seemed happier after Charlie came into our lives. Today, Darby seems to be especially depressed. His life long buddy wasn't supposed to be the first to go.

Charlie loved racing. He was absolutely fanatical about it. However, although he went crazy at the race track, he was never quite as focused on the racing as one would have liked. I couldn't load him in the boxes. If I did load him, about 20 yards down the track, he would remember that he was running away from me, and turn around and come back. If he knew I was at the other end, he would give it his all, slamming into the pack of the dogs at the end like the best of racers....always coming in next to last. It was on the race-track that he earned the name Carlos. That was his evil twin that was expressed whenever people had to box him. Still, he loved race...he just wanted to race by his rules, without the box.

With time, Charlie worked his way into the depths of my heart. Charlie was always the worrier. When we would take trips, he would be the dog that would stay awake, just to make certain that I was going the right direction. For the first 6 years, I could never go to the bathroom alone. With time, I became aware that he was a Geek -- kind of like me. He was always a little socially awkward. He had a tendency to blurt out the wrong thing at the wrong time. I swear, there were times when the other dogs would roll their eyes at his pronouncements. Still, like most geeks, he aged gracefully. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. There were times, when I would watch him walking away, a little confused that his social forays weren't accepted by the other, but he always came back to me to give love as only a dog can.

Charlie was also a klutz. At some level, he seemed to lack the grace of my other dogs. I am convinced that he almost broke my nose on more than one occasion. He was always ready to be my companion. He loved jogging with me, while Darby would drag (although I think that was Darby's chronic liver disease speaking to us). He learned to retire to the bedroom early, so that he would have the spot that he wanted: plastered up against my left side. That space was so empty last night.

Despite not always fitting in, he was both Gabi and Hudi's buddy. Gabi and Charlie always seemed to have a special link. Darby was the alpha of the pack when Gabi arrived on the scene as a stout pup. When Darby got sick, he and Gabi seemed to agree to co-manage the motley crew. However, Gabi never really gave Charlie grief...until she had puppies. I could see the confusion in his eyes the first time he got too close.

About 4 weeks ago, Charlie became ill. He stopped eating well, and he had a fever. I took him in for evaluation. Labs were normal except for anemia. Tick serologies were negative at the vet's but he suspected Babesia. After having the peripheral smear reviewed (that suggested a "non-regnerative anemia"; there were no hematoparasites identified), serologies were sent and came back positive. He received the appropriate treatment. The antibiotic made him very ill, but he failed to improve. The fevers continued, increasing. The anemia worsened. I sent off serum looking for other tick-borne diseases, but everything was negative except for Babesia. After conferring with other vets, the consensus has been that he probably has something else, but if so, there is unlikely to be anything that would be treatable with the tick borne disease on board as well. I was told that I should make him comfortable.

I made a most difficult decision yesterday, but walking across the room was making him short of breath. The light had gone from his eyes. He had lost 20% of his body weight in 4 weeks. Despite that, when I called him, he came to me with "party" ears up. Coming to my across the yard he had to stop. I think he was probably dizzy. To wait longer would just increase his suffering. To wait longer would keep him close for me, but not for him. The antibiotics were not working. Other antibiotics only made him sick (and by my reading would not work).

Charlie, I love you, bud. I hope this was the right thing. I so appreciate that last kiss you gave me as my eyes were leaking, even though I could see you were having a hard time standing.

One of my friends wrote that he was probably still in a magical place near me. Is that why I keep on thinking you will be behind me, where you always were, waiting for me to finish on the computer? But then my eyes, limited by their humanity fail to see....If you are there, I'll be listening for your bark, and I try to remember how you were always ready to love and share. Oh, Charlie. I miss you. Thank you for blessing me so.

You will always have a place deep in my heart. Run free. Run strong. Check on Dad and keep him company, 'kay?

Charlie, Cara Sardonyx by Design
9/9/99-7/3/09
Champion of my heart